1 - BLACK SCREEN
A title card fades in. It reads:
"I will set down a tale... it may be history, it may be
only a legend, a tradition. It may have happened, it may
not have happened. But it could have happened..."
-- Mark Twain
After a few moments, the title card fades to black and we see
the...
2 - OPENING CREDITS
After the credits are finished, we...
SMASH CUT TO:
3 - INT. CIGAR STORE - DAY.
The store is your typical smoke shop, with cigars and accessories
displayed throughout.
A BUSINESSMAN, in his early 40's, browses the store not looking at
anything in particular. As he browses, he occasionally glances at
the front counter, where the OWNER is talking to ANOTHER CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER
But I just don't understand why I
need to spend an extra fifty bucks
for a "humidor" when I could just
keep them right here in this trusty
box.
OWNER
It helps to keep the cigars fresh.
You see, when-
CUSTOMER
I don't need it explained to me. A
new cigar enthusiast comes into
your store, not knowing everything
under the sun about cigars, and you
want to take him for an extra fifty
bucks. Well, I'll tell you, mister.
It ain't gonna happen.
And you can be sure none of my
cigar smoking friends won't be
frequenting your establishment
either!
The customer quickly turns and bolts out the door.
OWNER
(raising voice)
Have a nice day, sir!
After making the rounds, and noticing that he is alone in the
store with the owner, the businessman goes right up to the front
counter and wastes no time in asking:
BUSINESSMAN
What's the most expensive box of
cigars you sell here?
OWNER
Do you believe that? Some guy sees
Demi Moore lighting one up on the
cover of a magazine, so he figures
"Hey, I can be cool too!" Those
people make me sick.
(pause)
I'm sorry sir, you were saying?
BUSINESSMAN
I said, what's the most expensive
box of cigars you sell here?
OWNER
(looking into glass case)
Oh! Well, we got a nice box of
Monte Cristo's over here. They run
200 for a box of 25.
BUSINESSMAN
No, I mean, the absolute most
expensive box you own.
OWNER
I'm afraid I don't get you, sir.
BUSINESSMAN
Surely you have that "prized" box
of stogies. You know, the one you
love so much you'd be willing to
take a bullet for it.
OWNER
Sir, I really don't think it's
appro-
BUSINESSMAN
Now I have a lot of money that I'm
willing to spend and I am serious.
The businessman reaches into the inner lining of his jacket and
pulls out a wad of bills.
BUSINESSMAN
I am willing to pay cash. Right
here, right now. Are you certain
you don't have anything that would
interest me?
OWNER
Actually... I do think I have a
special item in the back that might
tickle your fancy.
BUSINESSMAN
I thought so.
OWNER
I'll be right back, sir.
BUSINESSMAN
Thank you.
The owner walks through a curtain into the back of the store.
Meanwhile, the businessman waits patiently, rifling through a
cigar magazine as he waits. A few seconds pass, and the owner
comes back out, carrying a high-end humidor.
OWNER
This is the finest humidor I own.
And inside...
(opens the humidor)
...a set of ten totally authentic
Cuban Habana's, circa 1945, 1950.
BUSINESSMAN
Go on...
OWNER
My uncle fought in the Korean War
you see. And while he was overseas,
he met a G.I. from Florida by the
name of James McIntyre. Seems this
Colonel McIntyre died in battle,
and left his best friend, my uncle,
his prized Habanas.
My uncle knew a good thing when he
saw it, and stored it in his
personal humidor as soon as he
landed back stateside. And when he
prematurely passed away a few years
back, he left them to me, knowing
that I'd be able to keep them as
fresh as the day they were made...
some fifty odd years ago.
BUSINESSMAN
Hmmm... And how much?
OWNER
Now you've got to understand what
kind of position a man like
yourself puts a man like myself in.
BUSINESSMAN
I think I understand.
OWNER
I mean, these just aren't your run-
of-the-mill Garcia y Vega's here.
These are family heirlooms. They
hold a personal value that dollars
really can't compensate for.
BUSINESSMAN
I'll give you ten thousand, and you
throw the humidor in, too.
The owner quickly abandons his light-hearted "reminiscing"
demeanor, adopting a more serious, negotiator-like tone.
OWNER
Fifteen.
BUSINESSMAN
Twelve.
OWNER
Twelve and a half.
BUSINESSMAN
(picks up magazine)
Throw this in?
OWNER
Sure.
BUSINESSMAN
Then it appears we have ourselves a
deal.
OWNER
(pleased)
It appears so.
The businessman begins counting out bills as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
4 - INT. BUSINESSMAN'S HOME - EVENING.
The businessman's home is reflective of the man we came to know in
the cigar store. He has fine art framed on his walls, high class
furniture throughout, and various other objects symptomatic of an
affluent lifestyle.
He sits in a recliner, cradling his phone receiver between his
neck and shoulder. The humidor lies open on an end table next to
the recliner. He holds one cigar in his fingers, caressing it and
smelling it like a delicate flower.
BUSINESSMAN
Yes. Yes. I'll hold. Thank you.
(pause)
Hi! Tom? Yeah, hey, how you doing?
(pause)
Good. Good to hear.
(pause)
Hey, that's great! Good, good,
good. Look, I need you to come over
to my place tonight if you can.
(pause)
Yeah. Yeah. I need you to write up
a policy for me.
(pause)
Oh, it's important, all right. I
just made a sweet little
"investment," and I need to make
sure as soon as possible that it's
covered.
(pause)
Right. Right. An individual policy
just for this.
(pause)
Exactly. So you can come over then?
(pause)
Half an hour? Great. I'll be
waiting. O.K. See you then. Bye.
He hangs up the phone.
DISSOLVE TO:
5 - INT. BUSINESSMAN'S HOME - HALF AN HOUR LATER.
The businessman is still sitting in his recliner, still fondling
his precious cigars, when he hears his door bell ring.
At the door is his INSURANCE MAN, still dressed in his suit, and
carrying an attache case.
BUSINESSMAN
Tom, good buddy! How goes it?
INSURANCE MAN
Same old, same old. You know how it
is.
BUSINESSMAN
That I do... That I do. You didn't
have any trouble getting over here
on such short notice did you?
The insurance man hangs his coat up on the coat rack right next to
the doorway.
INSURANCE MAN
Nah. It's no big deal. Don't worry
about it. Why don't you tell me all
about this "little investment" of
yours.
BUSINESSMAN
Right this way, pal. Right. This.
Way.
The businessman escorts his insurance man into the living room.
BUSINESSMAN
(pointing at the cigars)
Take a look at those beauties.
INSURANCE MAN
Cigars? What the fuck kind of
investment is that?
BUSINESSMAN
Now look here. The market's a
little low for these babies right
now, but these are genuine Cubans
from the fifties.
INSURANCE MAN
1950's?
BUSINESSMAN
Like rock and roll and poodle
skirts.
INSURANCE MAN
(pause)
So you have a box of forty-plus
year old stogies. They can't be
smoked anyway.
BUSINESSMAN
Au contraire, mon frere. This
little humidor right here has kept
these babies as fresh as the day
they were hand-rolled by some 12-
year-old Cuban sweatshop worker.
INSURANCE MAN
And just how much did you pay for
this little box of tasty tobacco
goodness?
BUSINESSMAN
Twelve and half.
INSURANCE MAN
What?!?
BUSINESSMAN
Relax, I know what I'm doing. Here,
have a seat.
The businessman sits back down in his recliner, while the
insurance man takes a seat on the couch.
INSURANCE MAN
You damn well better know what the
hell you're doing for twelve G's.
Might as well get to work then.
The insurance man lays his attache case on the coffee table, opens
it up, and pulls out a stack of papers.
The camera then PANS over to the clock on the end table, where it
shows 9:25. A MATCH DISSOLVE then denotes the passage of time,
with the clock now showing 11:02. The camera now PANS back over to
the two gentlemen, as they wrap up their work.
BUSINESSMAN
So let me just get this straight in
my own head before I sign anything.
INSURANCE MAN
The cigars and the humidor are
covered for $12,500 for the usual
mishaps: theft, household
accidents, etc.
BUSINESSMAN
And the double indemnity clause
kicks in in case of flood, fire, or
earthquake.
INSURANCE MAN
Hell, I'll even throw a tornado in
their if you want me to.
BUSINESSMAN
Nah... I don't think that'll be
necessary.
INSURANCE MAN
(pointing to the "X" on
the contract)
Then if you put your good ol' John
Hancock right there. We'll be all
set.
BUSINESSMAN
(signing the document)
O.K.
INSURANCE MAN
And that's that. Always a pleasure.
The insurance man takes the completed, signed contract and puts it
back into his attache case, closing it. He gets up, along with the
businessman, and they both begin to make their way to the front
door.
BUSINESSMAN
Tom, thanks a bunch for coming
tonight. You know how I am about
these things.
INSURANCE MAN
What did I say before? Think
nothing of it. I'm in no rush to
get home, anyhow.
BUSINESSMAN
Oh yeah, that reminds me. Say hello
to Stephanie for me.
INSURANCE MAN
(taking his coat off the
coat rack)
Will do.
BUSINESSMAN
G'night, Tom.
INSURANCE MAN
G'night.
The insurance man leaves and the businessman closes the door. He
then starts walking back into his living room with a smirk on his
face. He sits back down in his recliner and picks up a cigar from
out of the humidor.
BUSINESSMAN
(lying back)
Protected against fire indeed!
He waves the cigar slowly underneath his nose, savoring its aroma.
BUSINESSMAN
Well, let's see what 50 year old
Cubans taste like.
He sits up, unwraps the cigar, and lights it up very deliberately.
He then lies back, and enjoys one of his investments.
DISSOLVE TO:
6 - INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
We are in the conference room for the insurance company that Tom
works for. In the center of the room is a large oval table where
some of the COMPANY EXECUTIVES are sitting. They are in quite an
uproar, talking amongst themselves. Tom is also sitting amongst
the executives, discussing something with three or four people,
when the C.E.O. of the company walks in.
C.E.O.
Alright, everybody, let's come to
order.
(pause)
Now, Tom, since you've already
briefed me on the situation, so why
don't you just give a quick
breakdown for everyone else.
TOM
(formerly INSURANCE MAN)
Well, as you all probably know by
now, our client insured a box of
well-aged Cuban cigars, and then
smoked all ten of them. He then
proceeded to file a claim with us
citing a double indemnity clause
which included, among other things,
protection against fire.
EXECUTIVE #1
You mean he says that his cigars
were destroyed in a fire, when in
actuality he just smoked them?
TOM
That's exactly right. Now I've
checked it out with the claims
department, and they say that,
going by the letter of the
coverage, he is indeed entitled to
payment on the claim. I've also
consulted our legal department, and
they say that fighting the contract
in court will cost far more than if
we just decide to settle the claim
and pay out.
EXECUTIVE #2
And just how much is he entitled
to?
TOM
Under the claim, with the double
indemnity clause... $25,000
dollars.
A collective gasp, small but audible is let out by the group of
executives.
C.E.O.
Now Tom, I should fire your fucking
ass for this little debacle we have
on our hands here, but I have an
idea, one that just might alleviate
this problem somewhat. I want you
to check with legal on this first,
but I'm pretty sure everything will
pan out. Here's the plan...
DISSOLVE TO:
7 - INT. BUSINESSMAN'S HOME - EARLY EVENING.
We're back at the businessman's home. He is once again lying down
in his recliner, watching TV, and ironically enough, smoking a
cigar. A knock at the door forces him to get up.
BUSINESSMAN
(annoyed)
Awww, what the hell?
He walks over to the front door, and opens it up. Tom stands there
with an envelope in his hand.
BUSINESSMAN
Hello, Tom.
TOM
Hello.
BUSINESSMAN
What've you got there?
TOM
A present from the company to you.
BUSINESSMAN
Ah. I've been waiting for this in
the mail.
TOM
I thought it would be best to
deliver it to you in person.
BUSINESSMAN
How nice of you. Wanna come in,
have a drink?
TOM
Sure.
The businessman turns around and walks back into the living room.
With his back turned, he doesn't notice that a UNIFORMED POLICE
OFFICER accompanying Tom has also entered the apartment.
TOM
So was it all a sham from the
beginning?
BUSINESSMAN
Come on, let's talk about something
else. The ball game's on.
I'm hoping Wells'll pitch another
perfect ga-
(turning around; notices
officer)
Huh? What's this all about?
TOM
Officer, if you will...
The police officer steps forward and proceeds to handcuff the
businessman.
OFFICER
Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. If you choose to waive this
right, anything you say can, and
will, be used against you in a
court of law. You have the right to
an attorney-
BUSINESSMAN
(to Tom)
I'm being arrested?
(to Officer)
I'm being arrested?
OFFICER
That's correct, sir.
BUSINESSMAN
What's the charge?
OFFICER
You're being arrested for ten
counts of first-degree arson, sir.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you can not afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you, free
of charge.
BUSINESSMAN
Tom, what the fuck is this? Is this
some kind of sick joke? I didn't do
anything wrong. My policy covered
fire! You son of a bitch!
(to Officer)
Hey, hey! Loosen up there, tough
guy!
(to Tom)
Please tell me this is a fuckin'
joke!
TOM
Like the man said, you committed
arson. and ten counts of it, too.
For what it's worth, you're
certainly not guilty of insurance
fraud. But make no mistake, pal.
You Are A Criminal. We checked it
all out with our legal department.
I guess you didn't do all your
homework, after all.
OFFICER
(to Tom)
We're all ready, here.
(to the Businessman)
Let's go, sir.
TOM
Great. Thank you, officer. Looks
like you'll be going away for a
long time. I hear cigars are now as
hot a commodity inside as
cigarettes are.
BUSINESSMAN
You son of a fuck.
The officer begins to escort the businessman out, while Tom
follows.
TOM
And you better get used to a new
way of doing that too.
BUSINESSMAN
Go to hell.
TOM
Right behind you, buddy.
Tom slams the door shut behind him.
SMASH CUT TO:
8 - EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT.
A police car coming from down the street pulls into a spot in
front of the station. The same officer from the previous scene
gets out, and circles around to the back door on the passenger's
side. He opens the door and takes the businessman out.
We TRACK with them up the steps as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
9 - INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT.
The businessman stands in the jail cell as the door slams closed
in front of him. He grabs the bars in the usual stereotypical
pose.
FADE TO BLACK.
